CAUTION: Amateurs and
Professionals are hereby warned that WE ARE ALL DICK 3 is fully protected
by the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all
countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the
Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the
United States has reciprocal copyright relations. WE ARE ALL DICK 3 exists
on file at the copyright office of the Library of Congress in
Washington D.C. Permission for public readings, productions or any
reproduction of same must be secured in writing by the author.
What follows are excerpts only - no version of the below may be reproduced or produced without the author's, knowledge, permission and consent!
We Are All Dick 3
© Susan Hansell 2003/2005
Fade up to: A man, a woman.
Minimum set contents: A bed, a chair, a table.
Props are: A knife, a sheet of paper.
At start the Man is lying underneath the bed; the Woman sits in the chair.
A long silence.
Man: (from underneath the bed) Let’s do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Man: Let’s do Richard the Third.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Man: Let’s do Richard the Third.
Woman: I don’t want to do Richard the Third.
Beat.
Man sticks his head out from underneath bed.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because.
Man: Because why.
Woman sighs.
Man: WHY.
Woman: Because
in Shakespeare’s time human infants did not wear lipgloss on the cover
of PARENTS magazine. (beat) Read my Lips. (beat) Or mascara.
(shrugs) Go see for yourself.
Pause.
Man: Please.
Woman: No.
Man: Yes.
Woman: No.
Man: Yes.
Woman: No.
Man: No.
Woman: No.
Beat.
Man: Why?
Beat.
Woman sighs.
Woman: Because when we do Richard the Third it’s really you doing Richard the Third and me watching.
Beat.
Man: So.
Woman: So you don’t need me for that.
Man: Yeah I do.
Woman: No you don’t.
Man: Yeah I do.
Woman: No you don’t.
Man: I do. (beat) I do too.
Beat.
Man: You don’t know how much I really need you.
Beat.
Woman: Come on.
Man: You come on.
Woman: No you come on.
Beat.
Man: Pretty please.
Woman sighs.
Woman: (sing-song-y) You’re on your own lake of fire.
Beat.
Man: Pretty pretty please.
Woman sighs.
Woman: (sing-song-y) You make your own ninth circle.
Pause.
Man: Pretty pretty pretty please. Besides. You like to watch.
Woman: No, you like to watch.
Man sighs.
Man: Yeah. I do like to watch.
Woman stands.
Woman: NOW IS THE WINTER OF YOUR DISCONTENT MADE GLORIOUS BY THIS daughter OF new YORK.
Man climbs out from under the bed.
Woman curtsies, smiles a big smile.
Woman: Like my version?
Man: She’s liking it!
Woman: Oh yeah.
Beat.
Man: See, you like to party.
Woman: Excuse me?
Man: You like to party.
Beat.
Woman: Is that supposed to be a euphemism for something?
Woman laughs uproariously, then stops.
Man: Why are you laughing.
Woman: I’m not laughing.
Man: Don’t laugh at me.
Woman: I’M NOT LAUGHING AT YOU.
Woman sits.
Man: Then what ARE you laughing at.
Beat.
Woman: Were.
Man: What?
Woman: Were. (beat) I was laughing. I’m not now.
Man: (controlled) Ok. What WERE you laughing at.
Beat.
Woman: I was laughing at you. You’re right.
Man: You admit it.
Woman: You’re right.
Beat.
Man: I love it when you tell me I’m right.
Woman: You don’t say.
Beat.
Man: So. You’re gonna party with me.
Woman: Not if it means doing Richard the Third.
Pause.
Man: What about aliens.
Beat.
Woman: You want to do Aliens?
Man sits on bed, crosses legs.
Man: There
are people on earth who believe the human race or possibly all animals
were created by aliens who came to this planet 4,000 years ago to
experiment with DNA.
Woman picks up sheet of paper.
Man: You’re a smart lady what do you think.
[MORE]
WE ARE ALL DICK 3 is an original work of imagination. Any similarity to persons or events are either coincidental or are protected speech under the laws of the United States of America.
*********************************************************************
CAUTION: Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that IT MEANS DICK is fully protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. IT MEANS DICK exists on file at the copyright office of the Library of Congress in Washington D.C. Permission for public readings, productions or any reproduction of same must be secured in writing by the author.
IT MEANS DICK appeared in published form in Spot Literary Magazine 1.2 (Fall 2007).
It Means Dick
© Susan Hansell 2005, 2007
On any stage three Humans sit in chairs facing forward. Human One, male, sits to the left of Human Two, female, who sits nearest center.
The chairs for Human One and Human Two are as far apart as possible while still leaving the actors able to touch hands when fully extended and reaching toward one another.
Human Three, of either or indeterminate gender, sits downstage and right from Human Two.
Note: Parenthetical dialogue words within dialogue lines are spoken; probable line readings and possibly directions within dialogue lines are bracketed.
Human One: I have a story to tell you.
Human Two: I have a story to tell you.
Human One: It goes like this.
Human Two: It goes like this.
Beat.
Human One: I am thirty months old.
Human Two: I am thirty years old.
Human One: I am a child, living in San Francisco.
Human Two: I am a graduate student, living in San Francisco.
Human One: Like most children, I live with my parents.
Beat.
Human Three: Most? Children?
Beat.
Human One: In 1965 America.
Beat.
Human Three: Ah.
Human Two: Ah.
Human One: Ah.
Beat.
Human Three: We’re all children. But go on.
Human One: Yes.
Human Two: Go on.
Human One and Human Two turn to face each other.
Human One: You go on.
Human Two: No you go.
Human One: No you.
Human Two: You.
Human One and Human Two face forward.
Human Three: Someone goes on.
Beat.
Human Two: I live in various garrets, the Mission, the Haight. My health is not good.
Human Three: Her health is not good.
Human One: I understand.
Human Two: You understand.
Human Three: He SAYS he understands.
Beat.
Human One: I want to bury my nose in your neck and tell you I’m coming. I’m here.
Human Two: I’m waiting for you.
Human One: You’re waiting for me.
Human Three: She SAYS she’s waiting.
Pause.
Human One: Once upon a time, the mother (mine) gives the baby brother (mine), newly born, a bath on the countertop, while the boy child (that’s me) cries in his crib. The father comes home angry; the father is always angry. The father (mine) comes to the crib, picks up the boy child (me), and shakes him, hard harder hardest.
Beat.
Human One: Did I tell you I get into a lot of fights?
Human Three: He gets into a lot of fights.
Human Two sighs deeply.
Human Two: Once upon a time, the little sister (mine) who’s twenty, and lives in a distant city with a man who beats her, calls the big sister (that’s me) from a hospital bed and tells her (me) that she (me) must not tell a soul that her (the little sister’s) boyfriend holds a pillow over her face so the neighbors won’t hear her screams as he shakes her, hard harder hardest.
Beat.
Human Two: Did I tell you I feel responsible?
Human Three: She feels responsible.
Human One sighs deeply.
Human Three: I think I see what’s happening here.
Beat.
Human One: The mother looks at the baby brother, lying in his shallow bath. The mother looks at the father, shaking the boy child (me). Big red hands on the tiny pink mouth.
Beat.
Human Two: The big sister kneels in the backyard, worrying about some guy she doesn’t know killing her little sister as she (me) pulls weeds from the grass the way her mother used to do.
Human One boldly stands.
Human One: When I’m on the ground I’m not necessarily losing. I might actually be winning. Jujitsu style.
Human One demonstrates fighting techniques, then sits, thinks.
Human Two: If you need back-up, just tell me how.
Human One stands, again boldly, and motions for Human Two to stand also. They face off, go down together, and roll around briefly, until Human One quickly pins Human Two, almost suffocating her, as Human Two takes quick, shallow breaths.
Human Two: I’m. On. Your. Side.
Human One: Oh! Yeah! OH YEAH!
Human One releases Human Two and affectionately assists Human Two as they rise, dust off and sit down as before.
Human One: Baby, you’re good.
Human Two: It’s nothing.
Human Three stares at Human One and Human Two as the latter smile, pleased with each other.
Human Three: You see what’s happening here?
Human One and Human Two face forward together, cock heads to one side. Human Three sighs deeply.
Human Three: Let’s go back to the story.
Beat.
Human One: My story.
Human Two: His story.
Human Three: Her story
Human Two: Our story.
Human One: Your story.
Beat.
Human Two: We all want the story.
Human One: Which one?
Human Three: Does it matter?
Human One sighs.
Human Two sighs.
Human Three sighs.
Human Two: [sotto] THE story.
Human One: [sotto] Same STORY.
Human Three: [sotto] Whata story.
Pause.
[MORE]
IT MEANS DICK is an original 45-to-60 minute one-act work of imagination. Any similarity to persons or
events are either coincidental or are protected speech under the laws
of the United States of America.
IT MEANS DICK appeared in the Spring 2008 issue of SLM (2.1).
WE ARE ALL DICK 3 and IT MEANS DICK, with some considerable and current alteration, together comprise the two-act work, THE STORY OF SOME GUY NAMED DICK.
See "Synopsis of Plays" for all available works. See "Bio, Blog, Contact, Links" for contact information or to obtain complete texts.
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